As none of my real life acquaintances will ever read this... I can rant as much as I want to yay!

Being "socially acceptable" is so tiring for me. I don't like to smile and say "good morning, how are you" to people in the room I enter. I will only ask how a person is if I really care about his/her well being. Apparently, this behaviour caused me to be disliked by a second-in-charge lady in a highly reputable lab I applied to for my PhD. The director of the centre is still keen to have me, but that lady told him that I might not fit in with the rest of the group. Well... I might not, I never fit in anywhere. I never got jobs which require extreme level of politeness and sociability, such as customer service. All my jobs are related to the fact that I'm efficient and I learn and work really fast - and my academic transcripts always save me. Just like the case with the director guy - he wants me just becos he was, quote, "extremely impressed" with my transcripts. My supervisor too (currently my boss) is so obviously trying hard to handle my emotional outbursts in the office (I once screamed at him and slammed his office door). That was beyond unacceptable, I should have been fired. Anyway I gave up trying to get into that big lab and decided to do my PhD in Adelaide with a financially struggling lab (which is not too small). They are more than happy to have me in their lab and they should be lol. Being obsessive compulsive means I get the job done and done well. The centre director emailed me again later asking me if I were still interested in joining his lab and with my big head I apologised saying I decided to go to Adelaide.

I don't have a single friend, everyone talks about me behind my back (so obviously cos I listened outside the room behind closed door). I used to cry and became suicidal because I thought noone wanted me - although I rejected everyone anyway. Only one person really saved me and that was my sister. There was a time when I really almost killed myself even though I really didn't want to. I screamed (inside) for someone to help me. I cried for 5 minutes waiting (for anyone to somehow save me) and my sister just suddenly called me. That was really the turning point as she then talked me out of it and then asked me to fly to Sydney so that I can be with someone who actually cares about me.

I was rejected by a guy I liked and that was not really the fact which hurt me - I didn't even cry when he said sorry and that he already liked someone else. What hurt me the most was that he really didn't care about me even though I cared so much for him. He kept saying things which hurt me so much, things like "I would never tell you my secrets because I don't trust you." Being rejected because he likes someone else is not a problem for me, but to be told that I meant nothing to him really hurt me.

He was just a speck of the entire problem. The fact that the rest of the Honours 2008 class pretended to be "my friends" but in fact they were just fake friends who talked about me behind my back really hurt me too. What is really the point of being nice in front of a person, smiling, asking how I am, while they really don't care, and even borderline despising me, calling me a bitch etc? One guy in singapore who keeps talking to them on msn told me all about this. On my graduation day, I gathered with them. I then pulled my most fake smile and pretended I was happy. But obviously I failed -haha- since on the pictures it was obvious I was forcing my smile and I looked almost disgusted being around them. Not all of them talked about me, though, two girls were really nice, not my best friend of all time, but she didn't contribute to the talks. My housemate was pretty good too, I don't know if she talks bad about me but she is my housemate and I don't make enemies with people I live with especially when they pat my back when I cried.

The guy I liked may move to Adelaide and at the same time I refuse to stay in Brisbane so I decided to move back to Adelaide and God knows what they are saying behind my back again. But that's okay since I have decided to seal 2008 off my memory and I would never make contact with any of them in the future. I don't need people who don't need me. I've decided that I'll live until the time I die for any cause other than suicide or murder, although I really cannot see the point of living anymore (but suicide and murder mean I lost and I hate losing against myself or anyone else).

I can't really say I'm looking forward to 2009 (PhD... sigh!). I'm quite excited of going back to Indonesia or going to New Zealand with my sister though!! Going to work my ass off to save money ^^

Katy Perry's "Lost"

(V1)
I’m out on my own again
Face down in the porcelain
Feeling so high but looking so low
Party favors on the floor
Group of girls banging on the door
So many new fair-weather friends ooo…

(CHORUS)
Have you ever been so lost
Known the way and still so lost

(V2)
Caught in the eye of a hurricane
Slowly waving goodbye like a pageant parade
So sick of this town pulling me down
My mother says I should come back home but
Can’t find the way cause the way is gone
So if I pray am I just sending words into outer space

(CHORUS)
Have you ever been so lost
Known the way and still so lost
Another night waiting for someone to take me home
Have you ever been so lost

(BRIDGE)
Is there a light
Is there a light
At the end of the road
I’m pushing everyone away
‘Cause I can’t feel this anymore
Can’t feel this anymore

(CHORUS)
Have you ever been so lost
Known the way and still so lost
Another night waiting for someone to take me home
Have you ever been so lost
Have you ever been so LOST
[ Lost Lyrics on [link] ]